Welcome to Part 1 of my journey.
My biggest struggle over the last year has been feeling as if God had forgotten me. I never questioned if he was God or if I should obey him; I just thought that somehow, I had fallen out of the back of his mind. Maybe I was low on his list. I saw people taking the next steps in life and wondered why it seemed God had put our lives on hold. I was so incredibly confused as to why people around me seemed to have the direction they'd prayed for. I had prayed too, daily, for God to do in my life what he was doing in theirs.
You could have told me that those people had issues and questions with God's plan for their own lives, too, but that wouldn't have helped. See, I didn't want anyone else to suffer. I was so overwhelmingly happy for those around me, and I never wished that they would "not have" because I felt like God was withholding from me. It was not envy that was eating me up... it was the loneliness of confusion.
I was desperate. I was caught in the middle of so wanting to submit my life to God's will no matter what it looked like, and railing against God for not giving me answers--for not writing on the wall when we would be able to move forward with our lives.
Whenever I would open up, people would give me the worst advice. They were all telling me what to do, how I needed to approach God--all things I was pretty aware of already. I was writing down Bible verses about not questioning God and how his thoughts were higher than ours. I started to see God as cold and uncaring--I just needed to follow him because he said so. I found no comfort, which I realize is what I needed most. I was not doubting God's power, and I was not falling away from trusting in him; I was just emotionally exhausted.
For today, I'll just leave you with a hint that my journey from feeling forgotten into God's perfect peace has something to do with verses like this:
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you....
No one can snatch anyone out of my hand.