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Monday, October 1, 2012

31 days: Impressive

It's Day 2 of 31 Days of Submission.

• • •
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other,
loving one another,
and working together with one mind and purpose.
It's been about 18 months now since that night.
Billy's at some sort of service or practice at church, and I'm home by myself.
Forehead against the granite countertop of our small kitchen island, Bible to one side, journal to the other.
I don't remember what night of the week it was, and I can't even remember what exactly triggered my heartache, but I know it was riddled with comparison and loneliness and the burden that I just couldn't seem to shake these things.
How does one feel so alone when surrounded by such great community, such unreal amounts of friends?
Sin, that's how.  Truly, I'm sitting here trying to explain it in a different way, and that's the only word that seems sufficient.  Insecurity, yes.  Comparison, yes.  But really, it is my very own choice to ignore the commands that are in place to keep me from these very things.
Sin, sin and worry.  Worry that somehow, I'll be less loved, less liked, less important than the next person, than the next woman, than the next couple.
Worry and comparison is what keeps us from agreeing wholeheartedly and having one mind and purpose.

I let go that night.  Moved from my seat at the island to my knees on the tile.  Hands raised, my face salted with rivers of tears.

I made the move from needing to have a place to needing to give others a place.
A desperate desire that the people God gifted me with, this community, these families, that they would connect, share life, feel supported and celebrated.  If that happened without me, then so be it.  I just wanted to play my part.

Somehow, little by little, the loneliness gets better with each repeated prayer.
God, give me a heart for them like you have.
And I am important.  I do have a place.  It's in the loving arms of One who created me, who made me this way, who wants me every day, no matter what.