In the first two parts of this mini-post-series (as I have just now named it), I wrote first about my view of dreams in general and then about some specific dreams that I have. As I wrote part 2, I realized that there needed to be a third part that addressed how I have been dealing with these dreams and where I go when I'm terrified of pursuing them.
Lately, I have been reading through the book of Romans with my friend Megan. We have been reading through books of the Bible and after we finished the last one, she let me choose, and Romans has always been a favorite of mine. This will come into play in a minute.
Growing up, I always knew that I wanted to write and communicate. I didn't necessarily take it as God's promise to me, but I knew it was a dream that was placed in my heart by him. I always took a poke at writing here and there and I always loved English classes, but I never took it too seriously. I always thought that I would just do it when I grew up.
So here I am grown up - and terrified.
As I have sought God more intensely and in a deeper way, I feel him pulling me toward pursuing what I've always known I should do. But here's the problem: I feel like a grain of sand on the beach of bloggers, authors, and people with much better things to say and much more eloquent ways of saying them. I am very aware of my insignificance and my lack of knowledge and/or talent. I want so badly to begin writing avidly, but I feel small and transparent to everyone around me. Everyone blogs. Everyone can write.
What makes me different? Why would I think that God would use me? Why do I have a burning desire to do something everyone is good at? How can such a small rock make the splash I've dreamt of making?
(Sorry this is long, but stay with me...)
Here is what God's been showing me:
Romans 4 talks about Abraham and his faith in God. By his faith he was made right (verse 3). This caught my eye, because I have so lately been prompted to action, but I have not had faith that if God was leading me, he would accomplish what he wanted, which really is all I desire. But what really got me was this:
Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. (verses 20-21)Although I've never heard God promise this to me audibly before, I have known it in my heart and my spirit, and it's even been prophesied over me before (don't get freaked out; it's ok if done Biblically). If God really wants to do something, who am I to stand in the way? My lack of action shows my lack of faith. When God is leading us somewhere, our own insecurities or self-awareness are actually roadblocks to his will. We prevent his work in our lives by false-humility.
If God wants to use me, so be it. I've started writing. I'll keep writing and hopefully be led by him as I continue to seek his face. Believing in his promises are freeing, perhaps terrifying, but amazingly, wonderfully freeing.