When I grow up...

I find myself watching a movie or a show or reading a book about people with cool (or at least I think so) jobs.  I always think, When I grow up, I am going to do that!  I know that sounds silly, but I seriously love the idea of so many things!  Here are a few that I have seen recently that I would like to try one day:

Fanciful Florist

I saw Love Happens the other day, and Jennifer Aniston plays a florist with the most adorable little shop and logo.  She knew all of these flower names, and she had a box with notes that she'd photocopied that touched her (that people sent to one another).  It was such a dreamy job.  I would forget that I hated botany class and have extensive allergies anytime I walk in a 1-mile radius of a blooming flower.  It could be magical.

Awkward-but-Cute Bookstore Owner

You got it!  Just like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail.  I would read children's books to them, and I would know every book personally.  If you come to my small group, you know how I feel about books. I love them and they love me back.  They were my friends when I had none.  And I would spread that joy everywhere if I could.

BitterSweet Cake Decorator

I adore this book.  The heroine is a cake decorator that moves to a cabin in the mountains and learns all about life.  I would do that.  With Billy, of course.  I would love to know how to decorate cakes and be super creative.  I'm not really, in that area, but I won't show a picture of the last cake I decorated... A little bit embarrassing.

Your Highness

Ok.  So this will never happen, but a girl can dream, right?  In this book, a woman becomes a modern-day princess and falls in love with the prince she had an arranged marriage in.

This is the perfect career, except I don't know that I would want to be a Queen... Just Princess forever.

Advice Columnist

I don't want to be Dear Abby, exactly.  And I don't want my own star (though I have to admit, it's awesome that she got one for what she does!!).  But I would love to be an advice columnist for a young women's magazine.

Except I really really would love to do this in real life.  Really!

Am I the only one?  Does anyone else have dreams that aren't really what they want to do... 

but kind of?!

Sueño, part 3

This is a continuation of Sueño, part 1 and part 2.

In the first two parts of this mini-post-series (as I have just now named it), I wrote first about my view of dreams in general and then about some specific dreams that I have. As I wrote part 2, I realized that there needed to be a third part that addressed how I have been dealing with these dreams and where I go when I'm terrified of pursuing them.

Lately, I have been reading through the book of Romans with my friend Megan. We have been reading through books of the Bible and after we finished the last one, she let me choose, and Romans has always been a favorite of mine. This will come into play in a minute.

Growing up, I always knew that I wanted to write and communicate. I didn't necessarily take it as God's promise to me, but I knew it was a dream that was placed in my heart by him. I always took a poke at writing here and there and I always loved English classes, but I never took it too seriously. I always thought that I would just do it when I grew up.

So here I am grown up - and terrified.

As I have sought God more intensely and in a deeper way, I feel him pulling me toward pursuing what I've always known I should do. But here's the problem: I feel like a grain of sand on the beach of bloggers, authors, and people with much better things to say and much more eloquent ways of saying them. I am very aware of my insignificance and my lack of knowledge and/or talent. I want so badly to begin writing avidly, but I feel small and transparent to everyone around me. Everyone blogs. Everyone can write.

What makes me different? Why would I think that God would use me? Why do I have a burning desire to do something everyone is good at? How can such a small rock make the splash I've dreamt of making?

(Sorry this is long, but stay with me...)

Here is what God's been showing me:

Romans 4 talks about Abraham and his faith in God. By his faith he was made right (verse 3). This caught my eye, because I have so lately been prompted to action, but I have not had faith that if God was leading me, he would accomplish what he wanted, which really is all I desire. But what really got me was this:

Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. (verses 20-21)

Although I've never heard God promise this to me audibly before, I have known it in my heart and my spirit, and it's even been prophesied over me before (don't get freaked out; it's ok if done Biblically). If God really wants to do something, who am I to stand in the way? My lack of action shows my lack of faith. When God is leading us somewhere, our own insecurities or self-awareness are actually roadblocks to his will. We prevent his work in our lives by false-humility.

If God wants to use me, so be it. I've started writing. I'll keep writing and hopefully be led by him as I continue to seek his face. Believing in his promises are freeing, perhaps terrifying, but amazingly, wonderfully freeing.

Sueño, part 2

This is a continuation of Sueño, part 1.

Well, I said that I was going to be sharing my dreams. Although I hope that you can relate to having big dreams or even dreams similar to mine, I am not writing this for you. This is something I need to do for me. What I hope you will find is something inside of you - a way to recognize your own dreams and a way to share them. I believe that taking these dreams out of my heart and placing them onto this page (or post, I should say) will make me take them more seriously. And perhaps you will post your dreams on your own blog and that will help you take yourself more seriously - I don't know. If you do, I would love to read it, so let me know.

Alright, I've delayed long enough. Here they are (of course, I have tried to pick broad ideas that encompass all of my very specific ones - that would take too long!):

• Write: Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to write. I am obsessed with words, and I love to communicate. I guess that I should also include the dream of speaking into this category, which is a recent addition to my life. I recognize that God has placed this dream on my heart and that I should pursue it. I think He wants me to use my love of words and my black-and-white personality to share Him. However, I'm scared to death of failing in this, and I am even more terrified that I won't be relevant. You see, relevance is very important to me because of my next dream---
• Change the World: Yep, I said it. I don't know if there is a piece of everybody that wants to do this, but for me, it's a really big one. This one scares me more than the first one, because it seems impossible. I am very aware of my inadequacy.
• Adopt: I always thought that this was an awesome idea. However, when I went on a mission trip to Brazil with my family in 2007, we met a little girl that changed my life. She was in an orphanage but not available for adoption because her parents were still alive. We all fell in love with her, and I knew from then on that I wanted to adopt (along with having my own). I am blessed to have married a man with the same dream. Here's the little girl, Grazieli... isn't she precious?

• Missions: I spent 4 years on the mission field growing up. It changed my life, broke my heart, and gave me an incredible perspective that I am so thankful for. Even if we never do mission work in a foreign country full time, I want to be mission/outreach-minded. Whether we are in our community, our country, or abroad, I want to be living as a full-time missionary. I want our (someday-)children to have the same global-mindedness that I was allowed to cultivate. I want them to love everyone, no matter their color, culture, or religion. And I want them to know that we do everything we can to be God's hands and feet extended. We have a long way to go.

You may notice that I mentioned some of the struggles that I have with these dreams. The first struggle was admitting them to the world and to myself. However, my doubtfulness and insecurity are things that hold me back consistently. As I was thinking about this post, I realized that I could not help but include a third part. Sueño, part 3 will include where God comes into all of this, and how I am overcoming these insecurities.

What insecurities do you have about your dreams?

Sueño, part 1

In high school Spanish I had to do a project called "Sueño," which means dream. On a poster board, we had to list out some dreams we had in Spanish, of course. There must have been a certain amount of dreams that we had to list because I remember people including the most absurd things, places, celebrities, and activities on their boards. Needless to say, it was not really what anyone dreamed of, and we were all thinking of enough articles to place on our lists.

Well, this morning I was thinking and praying about my real dreams (in life, not in sleep) and I was reminded of that poster, and how if we had been asked to be truthful and serious, what I would have said. Honestly, the thought of putting my dreams out there scares me. I feel as if I either saying or writing them will do one of two things: one, that they would be plucked right out of my mouth and off of the page and taken away into some abyss forever and they will join all of the other proclaimed dreams that people have and never do - I take my dreams very seriously, and I think that if I share them, then you won't take them seriously; two, I think that if I put my dreams into word boxes and mark them somewhere, I will have to achieve them, and I'm terrified that I can't do them.

I always said that I didn't share all of myself with people because I was too deep thought of life in very strong, serious terms, and I could overwhelm them. And that is partially true. I remember a few times when I have sat down with a girlfriend and told her a dream that I had and she either glazes over, doesn't get it, or, just recently, I had someone say, "You know who would be really good at that?" and proceed to tell me who else would be better at accomplishing my own dream.

But, lately, I have had less and less of an excuse. For one, Billy has helped me tremendously. He takes me seriously and believes that everything God has placed on my heart can come to pass. I have also been meeting with an awesome girl that is a lot like me - very serious and 'overwhelming' at times, and she has really specific personal goals - and our commonalities have been inspiring because when I was younger, I truly felt as if I were the only person who took life this seriously, and that I needed to back down. Together, we are reading Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity and that has been opening up my eyes to my own insecurities and how they have been holding me back from what I feel God wants me to do.

I can't help but think that I'm not the only one who feels this way. What are some of your dreams - the one's that you are scared to say out loud? or write down? or share with the www so that everyone might hold you accountable? I'd love to hear yours, because my next blog post will be mine. I'd like to be in good company.

the Desire and the Power

Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.  For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

-Philippians 2: 12-13

I have a bad habit of thinking of myself.  And, no, not in the way you would think.  I think of myself as powerless, unmotivated, and empty.  I have these huge dreams.  I know, I've always known, that God has placed this desire on my heart to write, to do missions, to be used by him in a huge way.  I want to make an impact;  I want to change the world.  I know that, I desire that, I want that with all of my heart.  But I also know myself.  Even though I want these things, I just can't really do them.  I know me, I know the extent of my ability.  Right now, I know that with everything going on in life, I just don't have time to write.  I know that at this stage in my life, I just don't have that much influence to make the kind of change I really want to make.  I know that.  I never doubt it for one second.  Yeah, I might lament over it, it might even make me angry at times, but I know where I am and what I've got in my hands.

And that's what I know when I'm focused on me.  I know who I am.  And I know who I'm not.  And I know the dreams that God has put in my heart.  So, when I focus on him, and forget about me, forget about my past, my ability, my time, my restrictions, then I can.  I can do what he has called me to do.  And I don't have to worry.  I was reading today, and the words "desire and power" totally strung a chord in my life.  I have desire.  I have the biggest dreams I know.  But so many times, I forget who my God is.  I forget what he says about me.  I don't forget what he says about others, or how much he loves the world, I just forget he includes me in his plans.  And when I focus on him, then I can let him focus on me.  I can remember that if he has given me the desire, he will give me the power.  And when I abide in him, he will provide the time, the skills, the opportunities to do exactly what he has put on my heart.  For he says, "It is the same with my word, I send it out, and it always produces fruit.  It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it."  (Isa. 55:11).  God is completely true.  He is truth, he desires justification, and he fulfills what he says he is going to do.  If I know (and I DO) that God has placed these huge, specific dreams on my heart, then I have to focus on his promise to produce fruit through me as I abide in him.  He did not give me empty dreams, but what he says will always prosper and will aways do what he wants for it to do.  So when I forget about my self and my insuficiencies, then I can get excited, and I can move forward.  I let myself hold back, stay where I am, not move, only because I don't think that I can do anything else.  And I might be right.  But God can do something else, and I have got to get past myself.  He is, and he's bigger, and he is more excited about the dreams he's given me than I am.