The Art of Being For Reals

Some days, I sit down to blog and think, "If I am too raw, nobody will want to read."

It's funny how even my brain uses cover-up.  If I tell myself people aren't interested, I won't be forced to dig out the fleshy, raw, sometimes (or often) unsure process that makes up what I call me.

So I try to dazzle with pictures, charm with cleverness, or I just don't blog at all because I'm either afraid of being too fake or too real, and I'm not sure which one scares me most.

Also, I'm a little terrified of what you will think if you know that I wrote this the night before I'm posting,
that I have today's mascara flaking onto my cheeks,
that I am wearing my husband's t-shirt,
that I'm cuddled in a chair in a corner of my beige, non-chic bedroom with an old blue blanket pulled under my arms because I just like it that way,
and that I didn't know whether I should smile for this gritty iPhone picture.
See, it's really true:

Despite all of that, I have this desperate desire to write and to connect by being raw, by being real.

I don't have it down yet.  I'm not even close.  But I want to try.  

Sometimes being real is glorious, celebratory, marvelous.  Sometimes it's messy and gross.  The only hope I have is that in some moment of every day, we each desire to pull off the film, to be in the raw for just a few moments, and to connect with the hearts of others in a different way.

It takes effort to go there.  For me, it can be kind of painful.  However, I also find my wings when I let myself feel and think things that require extra depth or extra effort because it just doesn't always come up in everyday life.

I want you to know that I expect you to maybe be sitting there with flaky makeup feeling a little insecure.  

I want to tell you that I want you to feel wonderfully complex in these moments, because I want to feel that way too.  

And I want to hug you through my words for no real reason except that you need someone to tell you that being raw and weird is something we all long for, and if we're the only two people who understand that longing, it's ok.

Sueño, part 1

In high school Spanish I had to do a project called "Sueño," which means dream. On a poster board, we had to list out some dreams we had in Spanish, of course. There must have been a certain amount of dreams that we had to list because I remember people including the most absurd things, places, celebrities, and activities on their boards. Needless to say, it was not really what anyone dreamed of, and we were all thinking of enough articles to place on our lists.

Well, this morning I was thinking and praying about my real dreams (in life, not in sleep) and I was reminded of that poster, and how if we had been asked to be truthful and serious, what I would have said. Honestly, the thought of putting my dreams out there scares me. I feel as if I either saying or writing them will do one of two things: one, that they would be plucked right out of my mouth and off of the page and taken away into some abyss forever and they will join all of the other proclaimed dreams that people have and never do - I take my dreams very seriously, and I think that if I share them, then you won't take them seriously; two, I think that if I put my dreams into word boxes and mark them somewhere, I will have to achieve them, and I'm terrified that I can't do them.

I always said that I didn't share all of myself with people because I was too deep thought of life in very strong, serious terms, and I could overwhelm them. And that is partially true. I remember a few times when I have sat down with a girlfriend and told her a dream that I had and she either glazes over, doesn't get it, or, just recently, I had someone say, "You know who would be really good at that?" and proceed to tell me who else would be better at accomplishing my own dream.

But, lately, I have had less and less of an excuse. For one, Billy has helped me tremendously. He takes me seriously and believes that everything God has placed on my heart can come to pass. I have also been meeting with an awesome girl that is a lot like me - very serious and 'overwhelming' at times, and she has really specific personal goals - and our commonalities have been inspiring because when I was younger, I truly felt as if I were the only person who took life this seriously, and that I needed to back down. Together, we are reading Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity and that has been opening up my eyes to my own insecurities and how they have been holding me back from what I feel God wants me to do.

I can't help but think that I'm not the only one who feels this way. What are some of your dreams - the one's that you are scared to say out loud? or write down? or share with the www so that everyone might hold you accountable? I'd love to hear yours, because my next blog post will be mine. I'd like to be in good company.