I See Stars

My husband and baby just took the car to get gas for me this morning.

I'm sitting on the couch on the verge of tears, just soaking in the start of another day.

I feel blessings pressing in on every side.

In Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, she talks about true, lasting contentment.  My favorite line so far:

Two women looked through the prison bars
One saw mud, the other saw stars.

My eyes flit from one thing to another in my precious house... precious because of the people I share it with, the blessing it meant to us, the family that lives and cries and makes messes in it.

I wait on my boys to get home, excited to see their faces even though it's only been ten minutes.

I feel the presence of Jesus in every hug, ever smile, every tender, frustrating moment we spend together.  I love the vision, the purpose, the goal we share here.  I hope people find love and comfort here.  I have.

I look at my life, and I see stars.

Beautiful, shimmering, glittery, make-the-dark-bright stars.

When you look around, take inventory.  Do you see mud, or do you see stars?

The stars are much more dazzling, I promise. 

Sueño, part 1

In high school Spanish I had to do a project called "Sueño," which means dream. On a poster board, we had to list out some dreams we had in Spanish, of course. There must have been a certain amount of dreams that we had to list because I remember people including the most absurd things, places, celebrities, and activities on their boards. Needless to say, it was not really what anyone dreamed of, and we were all thinking of enough articles to place on our lists.

Well, this morning I was thinking and praying about my real dreams (in life, not in sleep) and I was reminded of that poster, and how if we had been asked to be truthful and serious, what I would have said. Honestly, the thought of putting my dreams out there scares me. I feel as if I either saying or writing them will do one of two things: one, that they would be plucked right out of my mouth and off of the page and taken away into some abyss forever and they will join all of the other proclaimed dreams that people have and never do - I take my dreams very seriously, and I think that if I share them, then you won't take them seriously; two, I think that if I put my dreams into word boxes and mark them somewhere, I will have to achieve them, and I'm terrified that I can't do them.

I always said that I didn't share all of myself with people because I was too deep thought of life in very strong, serious terms, and I could overwhelm them. And that is partially true. I remember a few times when I have sat down with a girlfriend and told her a dream that I had and she either glazes over, doesn't get it, or, just recently, I had someone say, "You know who would be really good at that?" and proceed to tell me who else would be better at accomplishing my own dream.

But, lately, I have had less and less of an excuse. For one, Billy has helped me tremendously. He takes me seriously and believes that everything God has placed on my heart can come to pass. I have also been meeting with an awesome girl that is a lot like me - very serious and 'overwhelming' at times, and she has really specific personal goals - and our commonalities have been inspiring because when I was younger, I truly felt as if I were the only person who took life this seriously, and that I needed to back down. Together, we are reading Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity and that has been opening up my eyes to my own insecurities and how they have been holding me back from what I feel God wants me to do.

I can't help but think that I'm not the only one who feels this way. What are some of your dreams - the one's that you are scared to say out loud? or write down? or share with the www so that everyone might hold you accountable? I'd love to hear yours, because my next blog post will be mine. I'd like to be in good company.

Just a Start

I have married the most perfect man for me.  When I was little all the way up to high school, I had a very specific and crazy dream.  I wanted to help people in a BIG way.  I wanted to change things and I felt (and still feel) a very personal responsibility for people in need.  What an amazing thing it was to find Billy.  He has a heart that is bigger than mine and dreams that encompass the one that I've had all of these years. Of course, I recognize that God has given all of us such different dreams and goals, and I am just so thankful to have found someone who understands mine so well and who feels as much passion as I do for this.

Anyway, I didn't want to write this about me and Billy (I can't help it, I'm in love!).  I was actually reading this awesome book by a guy named Tom Davis, called Fields of the Fatherless, and I was once again reminded of that thing.  You know, the thing that when you read about it or hear about it, your heart starts to beat really fast, and you just know that this is what your heart was supposed to beat hardest for?  This is it for me.  He talks all about injustice in the world and what we, as Christians, are responsible for.  It always takes me back to Isaiah 1 and 58 (I'm not going to quote them here because these verses are definitely somewhere else on this blog, if not a few times).  These chapters talk about what God really asks of us - to seek out the poor, help the orphans and widows, release those in bondage, feed the hungry.  Of course, it makes me want to go live and breathe for this cause, but we don't have the resources to do that right now.  I do, however, have resources that I, and you, can use to help:

• International Justice Mission - ijm.org - This organization is Christian-based, yet it uses legal action to take care of injustices around the world.  You can financially support a specific area that you want to see justice taken in.  It's an awesome opportunity, and it really makes a consistent, real difference in the lives and future generations of people all over.


• North Charleston Dream Center - Adopt-a-Block - We, at Genesis and Northwood Church, have been going to this awesome event for the past 6 months or so, and this month, Genesis is heading up it's own block.  This means that we have our own block of people that we can minister to specifically as we get to know them and their needs personally.  Billy is heading this up, and we are just so excited to see what God will do through our group.  We are hoping that the small spark we have can create a fire as people join us.  If you are going to be in Charleston on the first Saturday of the month, starting in December, email us and we can get you connected.  Here, you can watch a video of what the whole Dream Center is about.  It's awesome, and I'm amazed that we have a chance to be a part of it:  Dream Center Promo Video.

I'm interested to see what kind of things are on your heart.  If you have something specific and a way that others can join you in making a difference, leave a comment.  There's so much out there to be done!  Our God is so big, and it's so amazing to be a part of His body.

Time is Moving so Fast... and Slow...

It seems like it has been forever since I have sat down to write a blog.  Even now, I feel like my words are all mixed up.  I want to say "since I have satten down" and my English mind reprimands itself for being so tired.  I have had so much going on lately, and so many exciting things happening that I feel like I have had no time to write.  I will try to update on life while waiting on Billy to call (it's so late!) and hopefully I'll fit in quite a bit.

Of course there is wedding stuff.  Today, Mom and I met with Alyona, who is doing the photography.  She is amazing and definitely who I wanted to take the pictures, so we are pretty excited about that.  Looking at my planner, wedding-related events pretty much take up my free time.  Even though school ends soon, weddings pick up, and the focus will just shift, not diminish.  Speaking of weddings, I know a couple of very awesome people who have gotten engaged (I know... more?!?) and I am so excited for them.  It is so funny how you'd think that my being engaged would make me frustrated that all of these other people are as well, but it only heightens my excitement.  I feel so blessed to have found "The One" and I love when others do too!  First, on Saturday, there was Amy T. and Paul G. who will probably get married in November.  She kept crying and it was absolutely adorable.  Their story involves cheering boyscouts, which I think they will remember forever.  Also, there is a couple that I don't know extremely well, but I have talked with her a little, and Billy just LOVES them, and they got engaged tonight, which is so awesome!  Josh D., who is going to be in our wedding, proposed to Saralynn F., and I cannot wait to meet them and hear their story.  Billy told me that it was supposed to be close to a lake (because it's in LAKEland, FL), but I don't really know any details.  I just hope to meet them sometime this summer!

Besides weddings, I have been focusing on school.  I have even taken off of work to study, which is very unlike me.  I'm almost tempted to do it again this week, but I don't know if I can handle losing that many hours.  Anyway, needless to say, I am ready for this semester to be over.  I will admit, though, that I have learned so much in at least one of my classes.  I have loved having Prof. Yarbrough.  He is also my advisor, and he is so smart.  That is such a general adjective, but it's really how I feel.  When I walk out of his class, I can't believe that it is already over, and I feel like I will never reach that level of intelligence.  When he reads things, he just gets symbolism and emotion out of them that I never ever saw.  He has actually inspired me to be reading more.  I know, I know, I read all of the time, but I have been heavily convicted about what I read.  Although it's great to read entertaining stories, I should be focusing some on literary pieces that make me think.  And that is my mission for the summer:  to read at least four, hopefully more, books of true literary merit.  I have started today with my purcase of So Big by Edna Ferber, which won a Pulitzer Prize in the 1920's.  I think it looks interesting and so far I am pretty enthralled by it.  I actually can't believe I put it down for this... but I knew it had just been so long.  The poetic wording is amazing!  I am so sad that nobody ever inspired me before this to read works of this calibur.  For example, in describing a mother and child:

"As the woman looked at the child there in the warm moist spring of the Illinois prairie land... there quivered and vibrated between them and all about them an aura, a glow, that imparted to them and their surroundings a mystery, a beauty, a radience."

How can you not be totally sucked into a story with that in its opening chapter?  I should read that to my Music Appreciation professor (who thinks he knows everything, and has snobbily critiqued my 5-page paper for him on analyzing MOVEMENTS of a peice - as if I, an English major, know anything about Musical analysis) and say, "See?!? The extra words and adjectives and descriptions really are necessary."  Not that I am bitter or anything...

Alright, I know that was long.  Last thing:  my new MacBook.  I have had to buy a new one because I somehow damaged my old one beyond repair (or practically paying to buy a new one) and so I have one that is almost exactly like the old.  I love Mac and Apple, and I would never go back now, so I had to do something.  Not to mention, it is exam week, and I desperately need to be able to study on this thing.

Ok!  Done!!  I'm off to read, and I'm still waiting on that gorgeous fiance of mine to give me a call!

PS - I have once again realized that I have the best parents in the world.

Every Day

This semester, I have been so blessed to be able to lead a small group of some really awesome girls, and they have taught me so much.  We've been going over the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  We have been talking about some pretty radical goals that we have concerning our walk and relationships with God.  The question that keeps coming up, pretty much every week is, "That sounds so good, and I want to be like that, but how do I get from where I am to where I want to be?"

I would love to be able to say that we have found that it takes a one time, radical life change where you realize what needs to be done, do it, and it becomes easy from there on out.  But that is definitely not what we've come to.  The biggest thing that we have realized is that it starts with the heart.  We can make a commitment to work on all of the things that we want to see in our lives (kindness, servanthood, unconditional love, forgiveness, sacrifice, consistency, and many more...) but we are going to either consistently fail, get overwhelmed, or forget why we are trying so hard to become something that is so unnatural to us.  But, if we have our heart in the right place (seeking to please God and be intimate with Him) then all of those other things are so much easier and can even start to become natural to us.  The next thing that we realized is that it takes every day to get to where we desire to be with God.  On Monday nights, at small group, we can all get our hearts right with God and confess our desire for Him and know that we only want to serve Him... but on Thursday, it's reallly obvious that the commitment we made on Monday definitely does not last us forever.  We have to come to God every day and have fellowship with Him so that we can be familiar with His ways and refreshed by His spirit.

I know that this is basic stuff, but I know that it is something that I forget all of the time.  God wants to be with us, and He wants us to take His word seriously.  We have focused so much on realising that God means what He says and He desires for us to live like we believe it.

I can't believe that small group ends so soon.  I feel so blessed to get to be a part of the lives of these girls, and I feel like our discussions get better every week.  I am so encouraged that they really want to do some outreach stuff this summer, and they are being proactive in their planning and getting ideas together for what is on their OWN hearts, which is exactly what I've prayed for!  We've had awesome ideas already from all of the girls... For example, so far, we are planning on going and holding terminally ill babies, having nights to come together and bring money and just go out as a group to minister to others.  My girls are so awesome!

Taking It Seriously

When you come to worship me, who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony? Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts... I want no more of your pious meetings.  When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look.  Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen, for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.  Wash yourselves and be clean!  Get your sins out of my sight.  Give up your evil ways.  Learn to do good.  Seek justice.  Help the oppressed.  Defend the cause of orphans.  Fight for the rights of widows.

Isaiah 1:12-13, 15-17

I don't think I have taken God very seriously.  I am the perfect example of the first part of this passage.  My worship is extravagant.  People see that I am a follower of God through the services I attend, the excellence of my church, the relevance of our message in culture.... And somehow, when I read these verses, I feel like I am not even close to doing what God wants of me.  My worship, though awesome and "pretty" is nothing at all.  Not that I do not have this desire inside of me to please God and follow him, I do, really.  But then, as I type that, I truly wonder, do I?  I have been reading this book Red Letters that talks about really living out our faith, and not just in our "everyday Christian" ways.  I can so tell myself that I am doing a good job.  I do not watch things that I shouldn't.  I have a pure relationship with my boyfriend.  I encourage others to follow God and I live in a "righteous" manner.  But there is so much that I am missing.  I feel like the nation of Israel that God is addressing in this first chapter of Isaiah.  He is saying to me, personally, that my worship, my acts, my ceremony, my committment, isn't enough.  And I know that there are those out there that would comfort me and say, that yes, I am doing all I can, and I live a good life, because I have been that person to comfort others in their normalcy.  I want to think that there is nothing to worry about because everybody can see that I am different, and that I try to "sin less".  But I can't miss God's heartbeat in the last part of these verses, and I have to say that his heart is not in our ceremonies, not in our lifting of hands, not in the excellent environments we create for his worship.  His heart is in our going and in our giving.  And he takes it seriously.  His words are strong and he repeats it over and over throughout the Bible.  He calls his true followers not to make or put on a show for him, but to go and be like him.  Worship, yes, is wonderful and an integral part of intimacy with our Maker, but I have to question myself if I can truly worship God in fullness if I am not going or doing the absolute most I can to "do good... help the oppressed... defend the cause of orphans... fight for the rights of widows..."

I'll end with this.  When I think of giving, I wonder how much is enough.  How much can I give to meet the "good Christian"  quota?  Well, I came upon this quote from C.S. Lewis, and it completely convicted my heart:

I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.

Watching Myself

Alright, so I would love to say that I thought up this wonderful, deep idea and wanted to share it.  Really, that's not true.  I read it.  But it's so good, and I had to comment on it, but I'll probably be including lots of quotes from what I'm reading.

Again, this is from Metamorpha.  I'm so into this book.  Really, not everything in it has me captured, but I like the ideas, and I am impressed.

So I was reading, still in the beginning part of the book, and I see where the author (Strobel), begins to talk about his struggle with prayer.  He says that he wanted to tell somebody about the importance of prayer, but later that night, he had a heart to heart with God.  He says, "I didn't believe that prayer worked."  And he's not saying this because he really believed that prayer was a stupid idea, he was saying that he, personally, deep down, did not believe that prayer worked for him.  And he came to this conclusion; it was not some idea he carried around about the invalidity of prayer.

This really impacted me.  The next quote was so true, and even though it's something I've heard before, it hit me again:

"Finding out what you really believe is simple: look at your life.  Where do you spend the most energy and time?  What actions or practices make up your day?  What's missing?  Suffice it to say there is something profoundly self-contradictory about believing on the one hand that God hears and answers prayer and, on the other, simply not getting around to praying."

How many things do I say that I believe in, that are foundations of my faith, that I don't carry out one hundred percent?  Do I pray about everything in my life that I know I need God in?  Do I seek his face in every area?  Do I consistently look for ways to help others?  These are all things that I have claimed are basic elements of what I believe and have devoted my life to.  But I don't always do them to the extent that God deserves.  Who am I to take away time and dedication from him to do "me" concerned things?  Who do I think I am?

"The only real way to determine my beliefs is to see how I live week in and week out."

I guess I'm on a journey to see what I believe, and perhaps to re-align my actions to follow some of the beliefs that I have neglected.  I'm excited about new chances, the privilege to do work for God, and upcoming relationships to be had and developed.

The way He sees it

So I'm reading this book called Metamorpha.  I've had it for a little while and I just now picked it up as life is starting to regulate itself again.

It's been pretty good so far, and it's already challenging me in some ways.  The first couple of chapters talk about worldviews and the way we should identify our worldview as Christians.  It's been different for me, and it's a new approach.  He focuses on the fact that as Christ followers, we are consistently renewed, and therefore our view of the world and of our God is going to be renewed also.  We are to "deconstruct" our view of church, ministry, culture, life, etc., so that we may allow God to constantly be working on our heart.  At first, this frustrated me a little, because I totally am grounded in my faith and what I know to be true.  How am I supposed to "open my mind" and "deconstruct" my vision every day?  I know what God says about me and about the world, and that's what I believe.  But the deeper I got into the book, the more I started to understand.  Those fundamental views will never change.  And that's not what Strobel (the author) is saying.  What he's trying to get across is the fact that we, as imperfect humans, should understand that our views are fleshy and, well, human.  God's ways are higher, and he is consistently writing a new story for our lives and leading us in new directions.  Sometimes, God might call us to do something a little differently than we thought ministry should be done.  Basically, we can't be afraid to walk out of our comfort zone and do life in a new way.  We can't shy away from having our theories for life and relationships challenged and reconstructed as God works on our hearts daily.  He uses this analogy about marriage, and how when a couple gets married, they have a preconceived notion of how this relationship is going to work out.  But the marriage will either fail or become stagnant if one or both of the people refuse to change their view of marriage and be willing to grow and change in order to love the other person more effectively.  This is how God intended our relationship to be.  When we enter into a relationship with him, we cannot expect to know just what he will ask of us or how he will work through us, though we might have some ideas because of what we want to happen or even some glimpse God has shown us.  But to be fully available for his use, we must be open to maybe realizing that our ways are not always correct or even the only way of doing things.

I actually have more that I've learned from this book, and maybe I'll blog about it tonight, but I have church, and right now, I'm exhausted, hungry, and ready to relax.  So I'll expound more later, but it's about not believing in prayer and other fundamental practices (hmm...).