Gushing

My little boy is in one the sweetest stages yet.

I'm currently gushing over his smiles that he saves just for me, his giggles, his cuddles.

I really don't know if I will ever get over him.

He's been pushing boundaries, learning what "no" means, and melting my heart every other second.

What a balancing act it is between overwhelming insecurity that I'm not getting it right and overwhelming settledness that this is right where God has me.

This motherhood thing is all-consuming, all-exhausting, life changing.
At the end of most days, my hands and my heart are tired and weary, but full to the brim.

Today, I am letting the gift I've been given seep into my skin and settle into my bones.  This is good.  This is love.  
I give thanks.

And when my little person pulls on me and needs me and I find myself at the end of, well, all of me, I'll give thanks then, too.

Happy Days

These are the days of tightening our belts.

Days of older couples across the restaurants seeing our little family and paying secretly for our meals, making me cry.

Days of friends loaning us their extra car at no expense, just because we need one.

Days that God gently holds our anxious hearts, reminding us to live in the moment, to not worry about tomorrow, to be thankful for the right now.

Days of teaching and training a child, days of God-given energy.

Days of my baby being my mirror, exposing me to myself...

Furrowing his brow, pushing forward beyond his capacity, motivated to try beyond his ability... Frustrated when he finds that it hurts sometimes when you rush things, even though you're learning.

He reminds me not to rush.  To try and bloom where I'm planted.  To realize that tomorrow will come, but today, today is where I want to be, and nowhere else.

Even though I'm a little more tired, budgeted, and not-all-together than I would've pictured myself at this stage...

These days are precious, cherished, and there's not a moment I'd change.

I'm discovering that I would not, even if I could, lay more time, more energy, more money, more security at our feet...
God knows just what we need, and I'm pretty sure He's having fun supplying us with our daily needs, surprising us with so many extra blessings, and overflowing us with all things good when we least expect it.

Sloppy kisses, soft cheeks, blue orbs that trust us implicitly, love us just because.
Holding hands on the couch, still glancing over, cuddling in, whispering, "I can't believe you're mine."
Hearts and words and support making up a community that teaches us, blesses us, makes our hearts beat with pure thanks and joy.

Yeah, these days, they're just good.  All kinds of good.

I See Stars

My husband and baby just took the car to get gas for me this morning.

I'm sitting on the couch on the verge of tears, just soaking in the start of another day.

I feel blessings pressing in on every side.

In Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, she talks about true, lasting contentment.  My favorite line so far:

Two women looked through the prison bars
One saw mud, the other saw stars.

My eyes flit from one thing to another in my precious house... precious because of the people I share it with, the blessing it meant to us, the family that lives and cries and makes messes in it.

I wait on my boys to get home, excited to see their faces even though it's only been ten minutes.

I feel the presence of Jesus in every hug, ever smile, every tender, frustrating moment we spend together.  I love the vision, the purpose, the goal we share here.  I hope people find love and comfort here.  I have.

I look at my life, and I see stars.

Beautiful, shimmering, glittery, make-the-dark-bright stars.

When you look around, take inventory.  Do you see mud, or do you see stars?

The stars are much more dazzling, I promise. 

Feeding Time Reflections

My little man screams, waking up from his nap earlier than usual, wanting me.

I inhale, free my hands and march upstairs to fulfill my duty.

We settle in because he's hungry, and only I can do this, and daddy's still at church leading worship because we went to the early service.

I slide my eyelids down and take in this moment.

Honest truth:  The first thought that comes into my brain is not, "Thank you Jesus for the blessings you've given me."
Sometimes, that is my thought.
Right now, it's not.

Right now, a prayer rises from the depths of my heart and I remind my God of His own Word:

The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

I ask, He gives.  Just that quickly.  I am restored and watered and I am gifted with just enough grace for this moment, for this day.

Being ever aware of my cracked, weary parts means that I can always be quenched, that I can day-to-day, moment-to-moment, tap into the Spirit's restoration versus my own reminder to get myself together.  My perfectionism takes away from the grace of God.  My inabilities, my weaknesses, they allow it.

His grace restores me best when I'm able to admit that I'm dry, that I have need.

He's an ever-flowing spring, and He came to heal the sick.  He's more than aware that I will never get to the place where I don't need more watering, more healing, more restoring.

Liam pauses his eating and looks up at me, smiling, adoring.  God's grace, God's quenching.
I take another deep breath, and I smile back.  Fully restored, in just a moment.

Putting Up Walls

We're learning about boundaries here in the Rogers household.

My son doesn't yet understand that when I give him walls, I'm keeping him safe.

He looks at me through mesh with accusing eyes.
His mind does connect much yet, but he does remember that batting those baby blues usually gets him somewhere.

He needs to know, however, that though he's capable of exploring, boundaries are wise, even if they're not always fun.

I see our future laid out ahead of us.  His pleading eyes and pouty lip.  Reminding myself that I'm laying a foundation.  Hoping that some day he'll put his own boundaries in place.
Today, I'm keeping his head safe.  Later, it'll be his heart.

When he grows, when he's older, he'll need boundaries to guard his thoughts, his relationships, his time, and he'll need them to achieve the balance that God desires.

As I give him boundaries, I remember that all things are permissible, but not all things are helpful.

And I tell myself that I need to guard my thoughts, my relationships, my time to stay healthy, to stay balanced.
My Father keeps me safe when He tells me to flee the bad and focus on the lovely.

And I think, Hey! Maybe we're both learning!

Or, um, maybe it's just me.

We'll keep working on it.

Because being a Mom can be hard...

I firmly believe that God knows my comings and my goings and that He is lovingly teaching me something in each season.

I also believe that there are some seasons that are common.  And sometimes, those seasons are just plain harder than others, and it's normal for them to be that way.

I wish I could fling open the doors of the Christian women world and proclaim:
"It's ok if you don't always have things together, because you are living life, and because life can be hard!"

I felt like the first couple of months of motherhood often saw me drained of the ability to give much to anyone except for my baby.  I had moments when I only had enough capacity to make sure he was taken care of.

I should have understood that this was more than normal.  I should have reminded myself that all through life, there are different stages (and even different days) that just will take more out of us than others.

However, all I could feel was guilt and shame.  The burden of my desires versus my capacity weighed down on my shoulders.  Even as I type, I feel it teasing to jump right back on if I do not choose to cast it off.

I have multiple friends who just recently had babies.  If I could say anything to a brand new mom, it would be that sometimes, being the best mom possible will take everything you have.  Sometimes, it takes all your energy.  Sometimes, you have little left to give, and God only fills you for that day's tasks.  This is ok!  It's easier to find joy for the moment God has equipped you for without worrying about tomorrow.

There is no guilt in that, no shame.  There may be lonely days.  It can be hard.  It can be thankless, yet it is also possibly one of the most all-encompassing ministries you can even think of taking on.  It is fulfilling in the biggest possible way and draining at the very same moment.

Thankfully, we can be relieved by the fact that our Father created these processes.  He knows that there are moments when we feel like we have more to give and moments when our children need all of us.   Somehow, He made motherhood so rewarding that we wouldn't want it any other way. 

Thanks, Dreampop Media for taking pictures of us.

Halfway

Liam has been out in the world for over six months now.

It's a painful kind of happiness to know that I'll never have this first half year of his existence back.  I find myself grieving over those first moments all while rooting him on as he grows and discovers new territories.

Nothing has surprised me more about motherhood than the conflicting emotions that run over me daily...

I'm exhausted and can't wait for bedtime, yet when he goes down to sleep, I miss holding him.

I am thrilled watching him push for more growth, more accomplishment, but there are moments that I almost want to hold him back, not let him do any more, keep him just the same as he is now.

And as Lisa Jo Baker reminded me, I've lost a part of my identity that I must grieve, yet I have found a part of myself expand with love, protection, and I am learning how to be this new mother me.

Oh, how this little life has changed me so much already.  And we're only halfway to a year.

Happy six months, sweet boy.


(this is my everyday... sigh)

Good Intentions

I would label myself as organized, if not a little OCD.
Some days, though, I get into bed exhausted and wonder what I did that day.  I mean, taking care of another human being is a pretty big deal, but still.  I know I'm capable, but some days, I feel much less than.
Enter Tsh, blogger at simplemom.net and author of Organized Simplicity.  I have a huge admiration for blogger mommies who are amazing writers.  Tsh is that and so much more.

I downloaded the e-version of her book onto my iPad, and though I'm only halfway into it, I feel like my life is forever changed already.
Tsh has taught me (and my small family):

1. To create a purpose statement.  I'll share ours another day, but the more amazing thing than having it written down was the act of talking it out.  We are pretty good communicators, but being so intentional was awesome for us.

2. To give myself achievable daily goals.  I'm one to sit down in the morning and make a list of all that needs to be done... ever.  And then, when I'm done with the ten million pages, I'm so worn out that I go eat chocolate and watch the Backyardigans.  You think I'm kidding?  I'm so serious.
Instead, smaller lists with more realistic goals are much more helpful...

I think any young mom or wife who manages (or attempts to manage) her household should pick this book up.  It's not just a how-to book (which, if you know me, I hate reading), but it is an inspiration to examine your life, your motives for your family, and your goals, letting your discoveries fuel your kind of home organization.  No pressure, really, just encouragement.

This is my shameless push for reading this book.  Do it.

Milestones

Our little Liam has hit all of his milestones with flying colors, and quickly.  Sometimes, it feels all to fast for this mommy.  While I'm trying to extract every part of his sweet babyhood, in first-born fashion, he's racing ahead before I'm ready for it.

There's one milestone, though, that I wouldn't give up for the world: his personality.

We keep a bib on him most times because he drools rivers down his chin, 

especially when he's trying to tell us something.

He doesn't like staying put, and I'm pretty sure he's super jealous of all of his crawler friends.

Liam's feet are a main attraction at the Rogers household these days.

And not just for Baby.  I (not-so-secretly) love them, too.

I'm not sure how often he closes his mouth.  He's pretty much talking non-stop.

This is exactly the face he makes when I go into his room in the morning.

Grumpiness no longer exists in my world.

Real food... another milestone that makes me slightly weepy.

What a childhood we have ahead of us.  I would say I can't wait, but really, I'm pretty happy with right where he is.  I can wait.  Today is exactly what I want to spend kissing little cheeks, wiping away little tears (among other things), and smiling back at the little boy who has a tight grip on our heart.

On Being Cool

I'm well aware that becoming a housewife and a mother has made me much cooler than I was before.  I even recently offered to go to my little brother's junior prom with him, but he refused.  I don't think he thought his friends could handle this much coolness.  (He still happened to look adorable without me as his date, don't you think?)

Anyway, for any of you wondering just how I do it, I thought I'd let you in on my secrets on being very cool:

1. Ditch the perfume.  

Spit-up and baby poop have such sweet aromas that people seem to love.  Nobody has told me this, but I just know it has to be true.  I smell like these things all of the time, and people still come talk to me in Target, just because I smell so wonderful (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the cute little boy I tote around).

2. Consistently talk about how much you adored giving birth.  

Liam's birth story is super wonderful, and all of my non-mom friends love hearing about it.  Especially the part about the tub and the pushing.  It's a crowd pleaser.  Make sure to tell them to look out tomorrow for your birth story on your blog.  It's coming, people.  To give them a teaser, show them a picture like this:

They're sure to come back for more.

3. Whenever you burp, utter to yourself, "Mmm.  Good burp, Sarah."  

This needs little explanation.  You have to be proud of the little things.  When you realize how special burps are, you become very excited.  You get extra cool points if you encourage other people whenever they burp by getting very close to their face and cooing.

4. Leave baby paraphernalia all over your house for your guests to explore.  

This is a great conversation starter.  Diapers and wipes on the table beside the couch leads to, "Oh, yes, I changed Liam's diaper right where you are sitting.  It was yellow, which is always encouraging.  He's had 4 dirty diapers today."  If you weren't already cool, people will now know just how exciting your life is.