Ungodly Comparison

God has given me the precious gift of being surrounded by a multitude of amazing women.
I have friends that I admire on a daily basis for the way that they exemplify His character, His hands, His mouth, His heart.

This special blessing is not hidden from the Enemy. He knows these things about my life.
He sees the treasures I’ve been given to come in contact with so many examples of godly women.
He also knows the burning desire I have to please God, to be the best me possible, to fully live out my potential…
And oh, how the Enemy can work to twist my best intentions into something ugly.

Somehow, a sense of admiration for another woman’s caring deed or a godly charcteristic can quickly turn to comparison...

To read the rest, come visit me at (in)courage, where I'm guest posting today!

Five Minute Friday: Change

Change.

The word terrifies me.  To have it, to not have it.

I'm generally unbalanced like that.

I am forever, always, unquenchably chasing after the next, the new, the achievement over the hill.  Change, I think... I'm craving change.

I'm terrified of not changing.

Sitting in one spot, faithful at the small things, not always and forever pushing for more, for shiny, for different... scary.

To even think the word "change" whets my appetite.
What's next?  Where to?  Let's go.

But sometimes, I'm learning, it's not always about the change.  It's about the sameness.  And how God lives here, too.  He is in the big, in the loud, and in the silent, the slow, the moment when I feel like nothing is in our future, like I'll be right here forever, like there will be no change.

There's the drive to change.
And then there's the determination to abide, to sit, to wait.
And I let His presence wash over me in the stillness.

Five Minute Friday: Joining the Ranks of the Uncool

This is my very first Five-Minute-Friday.  About a week ago, I read Lisa-Jo's blog for the first time.

I felt like I'd been missing out.  Where had I been?  All of these women here, congregated, desiring to share in the raw, to go deeper, to be ok with having a bad day or loving motherhood or both at the same  time.

My heart has been thirsty for this, and I didn't even know it.

Blogging from the heart has been intimidating to me for a long time.

I have admired women who so seamlessly merge their very cool, chic, flawless lives with blogs that reflected their awesomeness.  I've admired them while knowing that I would never join their ranks.

I actually graduated college with a Creative Writing degree.
This means nothing when all you have to give to the world is a processed funky and sometimes tired mess.  I knew that Jesus saw me as beautiful, but I didn't think anyone else would want to hear about it.

And then, suddenly, my blog world changes.  And I find a ton of women who want to share, who need to connect, and who are very just plain and real and true.  And I get to join just by being me and by watching you be you.  And my heart is finally relieved that the trying so hard is finished and I can breathe.

The Art of Being For Reals

Some days, I sit down to blog and think, "If I am too raw, nobody will want to read."

It's funny how even my brain uses cover-up.  If I tell myself people aren't interested, I won't be forced to dig out the fleshy, raw, sometimes (or often) unsure process that makes up what I call me.

So I try to dazzle with pictures, charm with cleverness, or I just don't blog at all because I'm either afraid of being too fake or too real, and I'm not sure which one scares me most.

Also, I'm a little terrified of what you will think if you know that I wrote this the night before I'm posting,
that I have today's mascara flaking onto my cheeks,
that I am wearing my husband's t-shirt,
that I'm cuddled in a chair in a corner of my beige, non-chic bedroom with an old blue blanket pulled under my arms because I just like it that way,
and that I didn't know whether I should smile for this gritty iPhone picture.
See, it's really true:

Despite all of that, I have this desperate desire to write and to connect by being raw, by being real.

I don't have it down yet.  I'm not even close.  But I want to try.  

Sometimes being real is glorious, celebratory, marvelous.  Sometimes it's messy and gross.  The only hope I have is that in some moment of every day, we each desire to pull off the film, to be in the raw for just a few moments, and to connect with the hearts of others in a different way.

It takes effort to go there.  For me, it can be kind of painful.  However, I also find my wings when I let myself feel and think things that require extra depth or extra effort because it just doesn't always come up in everyday life.

I want you to know that I expect you to maybe be sitting there with flaky makeup feeling a little insecure.  

I want to tell you that I want you to feel wonderfully complex in these moments, because I want to feel that way too.  

And I want to hug you through my words for no real reason except that you need someone to tell you that being raw and weird is something we all long for, and if we're the only two people who understand that longing, it's ok.

Published

Since before I can remember, I have wanted to be a writer.  Books are and have always been my best friend.  I'm amazed by the way people can utilize words to make you hurt and cry and laugh and change.  I want to do that.  I want to change people with my words.

If you know me, you know that I'm terrified of this.  If you read my blog mini-series, Sueño, you can see some of my recent processes through my complete fear and insecurity.  God has been teaching me about faith and about who he says I am and the gifts that he's given me.  God's security = incredibly increased confidence.  It's a different type of confidence than my own.  My own is critical and unstable, but his is assuring and humbling.

I have to say, it's amazing when we give something to God.  I was tired of asking him how I was ever going to write.  I was exhausted praying over my dreams.  I wanted to do something, and I needed God to show up or I was going to put my dream in a shoebox on a shelf and hope someday it fell down again.

Long story short, God has been showing up in amazing ways.  First, he has given me a heart for a certain subject, and I'm attempting to research (Biblically) and experiment with writing about it.  I'd like to make it into a book someday, but we'll keep that our secret, because something that big still terrifies me.  However, God somehow just introduced into my life small online Christian girl's magazine called Lily Girls (if you know any teens, tell them to read the articles - the other girls are amazing, and it's free to read).  I wasn't researching, and I wasn't trying anything.  God knew what he was doing, and knew when I would be ready.  So, as of this month, I have started writing for them!  My first article was published today!  If you want to read it, you can see it here:  Perfectly Imperfect.

P.S.

I have to send everyone of you a humongous Thank You.  When I have felt as if I'd gone out on a limb by writing something, you encouraged me.  This small feat might seem like nothing to you, but it is so much to me.  And so are my bloggy friends that have been God's tools to fuel me into action.
You are amazing, and I love you!

When I grow up...

I find myself watching a movie or a show or reading a book about people with cool (or at least I think so) jobs.  I always think, When I grow up, I am going to do that!  I know that sounds silly, but I seriously love the idea of so many things!  Here are a few that I have seen recently that I would like to try one day:

Fanciful Florist

I saw Love Happens the other day, and Jennifer Aniston plays a florist with the most adorable little shop and logo.  She knew all of these flower names, and she had a box with notes that she'd photocopied that touched her (that people sent to one another).  It was such a dreamy job.  I would forget that I hated botany class and have extensive allergies anytime I walk in a 1-mile radius of a blooming flower.  It could be magical.

Awkward-but-Cute Bookstore Owner

You got it!  Just like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail.  I would read children's books to them, and I would know every book personally.  If you come to my small group, you know how I feel about books. I love them and they love me back.  They were my friends when I had none.  And I would spread that joy everywhere if I could.

BitterSweet Cake Decorator

I adore this book.  The heroine is a cake decorator that moves to a cabin in the mountains and learns all about life.  I would do that.  With Billy, of course.  I would love to know how to decorate cakes and be super creative.  I'm not really, in that area, but I won't show a picture of the last cake I decorated... A little bit embarrassing.

Your Highness

Ok.  So this will never happen, but a girl can dream, right?  In this book, a woman becomes a modern-day princess and falls in love with the prince she had an arranged marriage in.

This is the perfect career, except I don't know that I would want to be a Queen... Just Princess forever.

Advice Columnist

I don't want to be Dear Abby, exactly.  And I don't want my own star (though I have to admit, it's awesome that she got one for what she does!!).  But I would love to be an advice columnist for a young women's magazine.

Except I really really would love to do this in real life.  Really!

Am I the only one?  Does anyone else have dreams that aren't really what they want to do... 

but kind of?!

Sueño, part 2

This is a continuation of Sueño, part 1.

Well, I said that I was going to be sharing my dreams. Although I hope that you can relate to having big dreams or even dreams similar to mine, I am not writing this for you. This is something I need to do for me. What I hope you will find is something inside of you - a way to recognize your own dreams and a way to share them. I believe that taking these dreams out of my heart and placing them onto this page (or post, I should say) will make me take them more seriously. And perhaps you will post your dreams on your own blog and that will help you take yourself more seriously - I don't know. If you do, I would love to read it, so let me know.

Alright, I've delayed long enough. Here they are (of course, I have tried to pick broad ideas that encompass all of my very specific ones - that would take too long!):

• Write: Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to write. I am obsessed with words, and I love to communicate. I guess that I should also include the dream of speaking into this category, which is a recent addition to my life. I recognize that God has placed this dream on my heart and that I should pursue it. I think He wants me to use my love of words and my black-and-white personality to share Him. However, I'm scared to death of failing in this, and I am even more terrified that I won't be relevant. You see, relevance is very important to me because of my next dream---
• Change the World: Yep, I said it. I don't know if there is a piece of everybody that wants to do this, but for me, it's a really big one. This one scares me more than the first one, because it seems impossible. I am very aware of my inadequacy.
• Adopt: I always thought that this was an awesome idea. However, when I went on a mission trip to Brazil with my family in 2007, we met a little girl that changed my life. She was in an orphanage but not available for adoption because her parents were still alive. We all fell in love with her, and I knew from then on that I wanted to adopt (along with having my own). I am blessed to have married a man with the same dream. Here's the little girl, Grazieli... isn't she precious?

• Missions: I spent 4 years on the mission field growing up. It changed my life, broke my heart, and gave me an incredible perspective that I am so thankful for. Even if we never do mission work in a foreign country full time, I want to be mission/outreach-minded. Whether we are in our community, our country, or abroad, I want to be living as a full-time missionary. I want our (someday-)children to have the same global-mindedness that I was allowed to cultivate. I want them to love everyone, no matter their color, culture, or religion. And I want them to know that we do everything we can to be God's hands and feet extended. We have a long way to go.

You may notice that I mentioned some of the struggles that I have with these dreams. The first struggle was admitting them to the world and to myself. However, my doubtfulness and insecurity are things that hold me back consistently. As I was thinking about this post, I realized that I could not help but include a third part. Sueño, part 3 will include where God comes into all of this, and how I am overcoming these insecurities.

What insecurities do you have about your dreams?

Inspired Sunday

I have been inspired by The Happiness Project to do a "one sentence journal" blog day. The actual idea is to do this daily, but I think I have too many words inside to limit myself this much all of the time. However, it is a really cool idea, and I'm dedicating Sundays to it! Not only does it make you think about what you really want to say, but, as an aspiring writer and an English major, I think it's a great way to focus a thought into just one sentence.

So, here's to the beginning of :

Today's journal sentence:

Lately I've been pondering my inside-person, and I am discovering what God means when He says that He sees our secret lives; it makes me feel like a baby bird that has just been pushed out of her nest - terrified but oh-so-free.