It's not that I never meant it, but I rarely did. I don't think I knew the value of saying sorry until I grew up in age and grew up in Christ. I always said it, because, well, it made me look good, and I was sure that nobody saw through my insecurity and repetition. I probably needed to say sorry as much as I did, but I also needed to mean it.
I thought that meaning my apologies would have to be coupled with my admittance of failure, of missing the bar, of being just plain wrong.
I was right.
However, as I've gotten closer to Jesus, I've realized that the awful thing I thought I was avoiding is not in any way shape or form awful at all. Who was I to think I could even attempt to have it all together? Shame on me! And if anyone didn't see through my disguises, shame on them, too! If I could not express my failures and recognize my need to repent, not only do I cause myself and the people around me a disservice, I completely ruin the picture of what Jesus did on the Cross. In empty apologies, I ignored the fact that I could in no way, shape, or form, measure up to where I was supposed to be.
Recently, I've made an extra effort to say sorry when I botch things up... with my husband, with my friends, with my small group, and with my God. And honestly, I feel weight lifting off of my shoulders with each recognition of my failure, because I wasn't meant to do it alone. Everytime I allow myself to be imperfect, I recognize Who's strength I'm leaning on.
Each time [God] said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. -2 Corinthians 12:9