Thanks for checking in on Part 2 of the the journey!
You can bet that I was hitting my time with God in a big way. I was spending more time reading and praying than ever. I was begging God for clues that he had not, in fact, dropped me out of the back of his mind, but I felt like I was getting nowhere. Looking back, I see that God was allowing my brokenness because it was priming me for what he was about to do. The time I spent with him started out as my desperate pleas to for him to answer my prayers, but somewhere along the line it changed to desperate pleas that if he didn't answer anything, that he would just show up. This was the most crucial, most broken spot for me to sit in.
It was here, in my brokenness, that I got hit by a two-by-four with this verse written on it (ok, not literally, but it was kind-of dramatic for me):
When I read that verse, I saw how inverted my faith had been. Until this point in my life, I had not had to question where I placed my confidence. If you had asked me before, I would have surely said "God," and meant it. However, reading Paul say that he was only confident in God's ability and nothing else really surprised me. They key is that he was confident in nothing else. This is where the small seed of understanding planted itself.We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. --2 Corinthians 3:4-5
I had to get down to the most core part of myself. No more self-talk, assuring myself that it would all turn up how I wanted it. I saw my prayers for what they were--Begging God to give me the life I had pictured. I desperately wanted things to fall into place, and those exact words, of asking for things to "fall into place" had riddled my prayer life.
However, when I read this verse, I saw exactly where I was placing my confidence: in situations. I was saying to God and myself, "If only I could be here, I would be satisfied." I was placing my hope of satisfaction in life on the contingency that God would show up in the ways I thought he should. I could say that I felt slapped across the face and God said, "Duh. Who do you think you are to give ME contingencies?" but that would be DEAD wrong. All of this realization did come on strong, but it came on gently. I did not feel disciplined or chastised, only very loved.
That moment I could say to God things that I didn't even know needed to be said before:
I have confidence in who you are and your perfect plan, and nothing else. I don't have confidence in me--I have confidence in you in me. I don't have confidence in my husband--I have confidence in you in my husband. I don't have confidence in any plan, any recognition, or any promotion that the world gives us, no matter how bad or how good it looks. In the deepest valley and on the highest mountain, I can feel the same satisfaction that I am yours and it is all part of your plan.
Feeling forgotten was no longer an issue, because that was the me that put my confidence in situations. That feeling rested on the fact that my life did not look how I wanted it to. This new understanding left no room for self-confidence or situation-confidence. It only allowed for God-confidence.
I know that this part was a bit longer than Part 1, so thank you for sticking it through! I'm hoping that though my journey was completely personal, you are finding things that connect to your own journey. If you do, please let me know in a comment, or you can email me at contact[at]sarahannrogers[dot]com. I would love to hear about your journey, and I thank you for being real with me!